The first days.

What a week! Trying to let it all sink in, at the same time wanting to forget all about it. As of today Zoey still is having seizures. That can be normal, sometimes it can take weeks to get the right dosage. It still isn't fun on the parents though! The hardest part right now, is to know what symptoms I should be worried about and which ones are part of the steroids. Trying to get her to take all her meds is a trial! We cut her 15 mls into 7 1/2 twice a day. Because she has acid reflux, giving it to her in her milk is a no go... She will spit it straight back out. We are now giving her oatmeal and veggies and fruit with the meds. She can take the solids without throwing it up. So a lot of coaxing, but it's working.
The doctors told me that the steroid would make Zoey grumpy. I assumed that ment fussy. We found out yesterday that it goes beyond that. Maybe it was a mix of meds, wind, and boredom, but Zoey had a teenage size hysterical fit.  For an hour straight there was nothing but crying and screaming. No bottle, binky, or singing would calm her down. I tried everything I could think of. I gave her a bath, changed her clothes and diaper. It wasn't until a prayer and a lot of time did she finally calm down and fall asleep. I am hoping that this doesnt become a daily thing. I cannot imagine trying to deal with that and take care of Joseph. Along with all the other house things I gotta do. It was exhausting!
I also found some new struggles for me to deal with. The unknown is still hard to accept and depending on the day, my mind likes to think the worst, or be extremely positive. Most the time I feel positive and can be happy. However, my new struggle is other babies. Babies that are close in age and doing all the right things on time. My heart just breaks thinking that zoey might not ever learn to walk, or talk. Maybe not even roll over. These thoughts tend to take my positive day and ruin it. I know I have to find a way to get over it, I wouldn't want babies to be in this same spot, but it is hard to see. That's why the unknown is so difficult. Zoey could be just fine and all my worries are for nothing. But she might not be fine and I can't seem to shake those nasty negatives off just yet. But I'm working on it..